December Colds

Sickness. I hate it. I'm usually in good vocal health when I am sick but I am usually exhausted, or have a horrible cough, or exhausted again- so I just don't practice. Part- no, most, of the fear is hurting myself so I usually wait it out until I am fully healthy again. If I were a profession singer, I would be a basket case. In fact, I did have a gig this past Saturday (which went well- singing duets with an awesome mezzo who is also a good friend) and while it was very low key in nature I got a little nervous in the middle of the set as my voice almost crapped out on me due to phlegm the size of Texas sitting on my cords. I guess if I were a professional, I probably would have not spoken all day- or left the house- or enjoyed a cup of coffee. Or, I would learn to NOT FREAK OUT when I get sick. Ugh- it's a horrible battle.

But, I think getting sick was a blessing in disguise. It's true that I haven't gotten ANYWHERE in translating/learning notes simultaneously. And that is probably because I got sick and made that promise to myself to take time with each phrase, each page, each section- one note at a time. And it's true that I spent maybe one more month then truly necessary researching prostitutes in the 1800s (though fascinating---more to come on this). But, if I were to be really honest with myself, I am scared shitless about learning this. What if I suck? What if I can't sing it? What if my dream as a teenager vanishes the moment I open my mouth? What if all this debt and life sacrifices were for nothing?

And I got food poisoning and then a chest cold and now I CAN'T WAIT to open my mouth. I get slightly depressed when I don't sing. I feel just out of sync; not quite myself. I don't even think it's the way one gets with an addiction because I feel like part of myself can't literally be heard. And that part- even if it fails miserable- still wants to be heard rather then shrinking in a corner asking itself "what if"? And seriously, this is the safest way to learn a role. I am not hired to do this by anyone. My lively hood doesn't depend on it. If I suck- so what- making peace with my lack of fulfilled dreams are what the 30s are all about ;)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!