Getting out of your own way- yeah or nay?

I had another "Voices of Women" concert this past Thursday night. I sing with 3 talented diverse women in a show we wrote called "We'd Be Surprisingly Good For You." I am particularly proud of it because it tells one distinct story- women in Manhattan looking for love and actually finding it. And, we do this by taking Musical Theatre/American Song Book songs from various composers and their time periods to tell this story. This was the 2nd performance.

We started this evening, however, with a "warm-up" of our favorite songs. The other women mostly sang Standards and American Musical Theatre. I sang Poulenc: a French composer of the early 20th century- prolific during the wars and thereafter. His songs come from the traditional French melodies style- using mostly well known poetry of the time, some of the dada/surrealist period, some of the romantic period, with contemporary tonal structures. Let me tell you--- I was MUCH more comfortable singing these songs.

Which leads me to ask...why? The show is my native language. I helped create it so there is a personal connection. I am in a happy coupledom, so maybe my desire to meet men has become flaccid (yes, using that term on purpose)? Or, maybe I just felt that I was "performing" and not "telling a story?"

When I sing in a foreign language it is easy to hide away myself and get out of my own way to tell the story. Sometimes this is a detriment, as the real Courtenay sits back and watches, without a heightened emotional drive to express the song truthfully (says my old acting coach). But, otherwise, telling someone else's story is so much more interesting to me then telling my own (for once!). And, of course, using my own experiences to add color to that person's story so it comes from a true place. But, for whatever strange reason, when I sing in English, I feel like I am being false. Isn't that odd? Maybe it is too much Courtenay visiting a strange land and not enough of the silent watcher from behind letting the character make choices? Or maybe speaking English makes me feel emotionally naked, vulnerable and uncomfortable so I "perform" to mask this discomfort? I simply do not know.

Whatever the answer may be, I am happy to get back into Violetta again---immersing myself in the colors of Verdi. Perhaps, the same way Violetta immersed herself in Paris? Whether either of us are being true to ourselves and our story, I shall soon find out!

Me & Ms. V

So when an artist faces reality, that she has to pay bills and that she is very good at what she does, but not good enough to pay for her living- what does she do? And then, instead of blaming herself or circumstances that brought her to this place- she finds herself asking, after a lot of futile questions (i.e why me)- what did she learn from all of this? Well, she's learned humility, the exquisiteness of a beautiful legato phrase, taking nothing for granted, flexibility, strength, that determination can be a detriment, forgiveness, total vulnerability, and that there is more to life then 2 vocal cords producing sound. And the price? $100,000 in school debt, a fulfilling amazing partner, and knowing she is exactly where she is supposed to be in life.

So, what happens when a sick courtesan faces reality, and she has to pay the bills and is very good at what she does, but what she does doesn't allow her to reach her dream? And then, instead of blaming herself or circumstances that brought her to this place, that she can't have her dream because of the life that led her to this dream- she asks what she's learned? She's learned that life brings uncertainties at the moment you think you have figured it all out. The price, living a full life.

And what do we learn from the artist and the courtesan? That to live life you choose to live it, and you don't know where you will go or how you will get there- but as long as you are true to yourself, you are exactly where you are supposed to be and living the artistic life you are meant to have.

December Colds

Sickness. I hate it. I'm usually in good vocal health when I am sick but I am usually exhausted, or have a horrible cough, or exhausted again- so I just don't practice. Part- no, most, of the fear is hurting myself so I usually wait it out until I am fully healthy again. If I were a profession singer, I would be a basket case. In fact, I did have a gig this past Saturday (which went well- singing duets with an awesome mezzo who is also a good friend) and while it was very low key in nature I got a little nervous in the middle of the set as my voice almost crapped out on me due to phlegm the size of Texas sitting on my cords. I guess if I were a professional, I probably would have not spoken all day- or left the house- or enjoyed a cup of coffee. Or, I would learn to NOT FREAK OUT when I get sick. Ugh- it's a horrible battle.

But, I think getting sick was a blessing in disguise. It's true that I haven't gotten ANYWHERE in translating/learning notes simultaneously. And that is probably because I got sick and made that promise to myself to take time with each phrase, each page, each section- one note at a time. And it's true that I spent maybe one more month then truly necessary researching prostitutes in the 1800s (though fascinating---more to come on this). But, if I were to be really honest with myself, I am scared shitless about learning this. What if I suck? What if I can't sing it? What if my dream as a teenager vanishes the moment I open my mouth? What if all this debt and life sacrifices were for nothing?

And I got food poisoning and then a chest cold and now I CAN'T WAIT to open my mouth. I get slightly depressed when I don't sing. I feel just out of sync; not quite myself. I don't even think it's the way one gets with an addiction because I feel like part of myself can't literally be heard. And that part- even if it fails miserable- still wants to be heard rather then shrinking in a corner asking itself "what if"? And seriously, this is the safest way to learn a role. I am not hired to do this by anyone. My lively hood doesn't depend on it. If I suck- so what- making peace with my lack of fulfilled dreams are what the 30s are all about ;)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Meeting Violetta: 17 bd de la Madeleine

Meeting Violetta: 17 bd de la Madeleine

17 bd de la Madeleine

I was in Paris last weekend (I know, I can hardly believe it myself!) and while I was there I thought I would check out the old haunts of Marie Duplessis (nee Alphonsine and later christened by authors and librettists, Camille, Marguerite and Violetta). I arrived at 17 bd de la Madeline and there was nothing but a lamppost with the number and a storefront at what I believed to be the correct address. It wouldn't surprise me otherwise, but a guidebook declared there would be plaque and with all that various modern portrayals of Mdme Duplessis, I was a little upset not to find one. But, isn't this completely apropos to the opera and her story (and all the courtesans' and grisettes' and lorettes')? A beautiful woman, inspiring a legendary story of sin and redemption, now forgotten?

It was telling this beautiful building, adorned with naked women, would be Marie's house. It's also telling it turned into a clothing store, with a shopping mall next door, where women today can transform themselves in the latest fashions. Marie would approve of these changes! But what is most revealing is that this building is directly across the "rue" from the massive church, La Madeleine. Madeleine-the patron saint of fallen women. Of course, these are the only 2 prostitutes in history that have been forgiven. The rest, naturally, forgotten as soon as the buttons fastened, the cravats tied.

It's sad, really. A woman who was a prostitute, who charmed men and then when asked to be forgiven, was asked instead to die alone for the sake of an innocent daughter. Then, she redeemed herself not in what she gave up, but in what she became- a legend transformed into a novel, then play, opera, and numerous films. But, now...now she is forgotten in her beloved Paris.

Text and Notes- The Chicken and the Egg

So, in looking at my daunting used Ricordi La Traviata score- the inevitable question arises...how do I begin? Translations first? Or notes first? Then work on the pronunciation? Well, how I usually do it is in exactly that order- translate the entire opera (everyone's parts), then work on the notes- usually on a neutral vowel or buzzing "chipmunk" sound, then, I put it together with pronunciation work done immediately before hand. But- you know what- I don't think this method is working and I don't think it's the way to approach La Traviata.

The first reason is what I stated above: whatever I am doing isn't working. I feel like it takes weeks/months of work and the light bulb never goes off, and more importantly, I never get the job. Hence, I am willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater in hopes of finding the dirt, cleaning it off, and continuing the process. Reason two has to do with Verdi's over-lording (not over-seeing, mind you) approach of working with the librettist, Francesco Maria Piave. Piave didn't really have much independent input; it's very much a marvel he gets credit at all. Therefore, it is my belief that the story told the music and the music told the text, instead what usually happens- or, at least in lieder with poetry dictating the musical line.

With these two reasons I am trying a revolutionary approach- all three at once! Yes, learning the notes on oo and ah, speaking the text, translating and and slowly putting it together (which goes something like oo..alfredoo..oodioo..mi moonchi...etc).

I have no idea if this will work!

5 minutes later- a light bulb went off- it's already happening! I had a strong lieder background and always went to the poem first, but perhaps opera has a larger and more integrated relationship with the emotional scope of the character's journey and the lyrics are the guideposts that keeps the emotions moving forward?

...onward with the dirty bath water!

"We'd Be Surprisingly Good For You!"

Dear Friends,
Sorry I haven't been up to my blogging self-- I have a new cabaret show this Sunday, November 14th- 8 pm at The Triad (72nd between Amsterdam and Columbus). Hope to see you there!